Dominance and submission (often written as D/s, D.s, Ds, or D&s) is a set of rituals, customs and/or behaviours in the acceptance of one Dominating another.
Or:
As Y/you read this, Y/you will notice several language constructs not found in proper English. T/those who know me will see this as a shock; i'm quite a stickler for properly written English. But not when it comes to describing D/s i'm not. Indeed, it should also be apparent that these idioms are not unique here --- they're what E/everyone in the D/s lifestyle should use, but alas this is not an ideal world.
Within written communication between T/those in the lifestyle, and in particular IRC (although this can apply to mailing-lists, and bulletin boards, forums, etc), the act of showing Respect is important. Since written communication is inherently ambiguous anyway, one way of making that clearer is marking how O/one shows Respect. This is done by marking the personal pronouns. Hence when a Dominant is talking, either referring to Themselves or Others, then the pronoun is Capped, that is to say the first letter is. For submissives, personal pronouns are not capped. Here's an example:
Dominant: "I think I will go and make Myself some coffee but I cannot find My cup." submissive: "Would you like me to make it for You instead, Sir?"
Hence it is obvious from reading this how the interaction works.
Ever since i was a boy, i can remember being polite to people, and that the response i got back from them made me feel very good about myself. Throughout school, i was always polite; both to my teachers and my peers. i didn't really think anything of it at the time; i was brought up to be polite anyway.
But much later on, i realised that being polite was just the tip of the iceberg. i wanted to explore it more, and it wasn't until i was eighteen and just starting university that i stumbled into the foray of what i now know is D/s.
It was quite through happenstance that i found out about D/s. i knew what BDSM was, but at the time through my own naivety i just assumed it was nothing more than tying people up and whipping the hell out of them. But when i started to read more about it, i realised it was an entire concept that contained many different ideas, one of which is D/s -- the mental side of BDSM almost.
So i did some reading and realised the idea of pleasing Another both in a general sense and a sexual one is something i just had to explore. i initially did this online, which worked out well, i must say. Just through general conversation, talking to a Mistress as i did (and still do) has meant i have learnt a lot -- and that's important, since it gives O/one insight into the possibilities.
What O/one gets out of it though depends entirely on the needs, of Both people. For me, the power exchange is important; the ability to trust Someone enough to let Them make decisions on your behalf is wonderful. This isn't just sexually though, this is day-to-day. When Mistress asks me to kneel before Her, She does so because it shows power over me, and the act of me doing that, shows Respect and submission to Her. That's a simple example of power exchange, but one which is important, since that sort of interaction is how it all starts.
Now, some C/couples might have any number of rituals, depending on what it is T/they're intending to get out of the relationship. i know of S/some who are Master/slave pairs, which often implies the notion of TPE (Total Power Exchange). For me, this is a little too much. i see submission as just right, retaining the ability to have a tiny bit of control over the relationship. slavery though (used in the D/s sense) deepens the submissiveness to the extent that almost all actions are governed by the Dominant. For S/some, that's exactly what T/they're after, but it's not for me; i like to retain some individuality. That said, i am more than happy for Mistress to make all of the decisions where necessary. If that seems like a contradiction, so be it; it's a little hard to explain properly.
i have never submitted to Anyone i do not know, and i won't just submit to Anyone either. If i am to submit to Someone, then it is discussed first to decide what it is E/each wants out of the relationship (or scene, if it is to last for a short time, as an encounter for instance). This step is crucial since it helps define not only a common ground for Both, but more importantly it sets Limits -- the cornerstone to any D/s relationship.
A Limit is an activity or fetish which a person will refuse to participate in. It could be anything but it is typically something O/one ought never to cross (unless O/one is into Edge Play, but i find such things disturbing. Thus my limits are Hard Limits; there's no negotiation between them at all).
When discussing this with Mistress, W/we soon came to agree quickly where O/our boundaries lie. Something important to me is that i do not like pain at all; i am in D/s for the mental aspect of it only. Yes, so-called "erotic pain"" during a sex is fine providing those Limits are also discussed although again, sometimes it's nice to leave the boundaries of that slightly pushable to find the Limits themselves. i know that anything along the lines of flogging is a no-no for me, so that is one of my Limits. Indeed, Mistress is also of the opinion that excessive pain is not Her thing either. So that suits U/us.
All of this, these small attributes, help to strengthen the relationship. For me to give myself as i do to Mistress feels wonderful; to let Another preside over me, knowing They have both mine and Their best interests at heart, and are able to make decisions for U/us both is a definite requirement of mine - the need to be submissive is strong, and in return (remember it's a power exchange), anything which i can do to please Her is my side of things --- be it because She asked me to do something, or because of how i reacted to Her; a simple thing such as kneeling, or saying "You're welcome" all count.
One thing most C/couples will engage is a ritual of sorts. One that Mistress and i have is a meeting ritual where W/we rejoice at being in E/eachother's company once again. This might be at anytime, after i get home from work, or having come home from being outside, etc., and the same for Her., or indeed, even when W/we wake. i (the submissive) will kneel before Mistress, with my back straight, hands behind my back with my head bowed to Her, my eyes to the floor. i remain in this way until Mistress, at Her discretion, either touching my head or kissing it lightly. i am then able to say "i am pleased to be here again with You Mistress in Your embrace." (or words to that effect). It is then, and only then that i may raise my head and look at Her. She will then speak to me, or not, although She will call me a "good boy" if i have been good, and i know then i may rest my head in Her lap where W/we will talk.
It is a simple ritual; no fantasy involved with it. And that's the important thing to remember; W/we engage in these rituals because of the symbolism, because of the joy it brings U/us and it helps remind U/us both of O/our role within the relationship and why W/we do what W/we do. It gets U/us both mentally prepared too. To remove O/ourselves from ordinary life only helps strengthen O/ourselves.
W/we do have other rituals, of course. But these vary depending on the act.
But it's not all rosy. By that i mean that because this is an acceptance of compliance, where one deviates from that (the submissive) then one would expect Punishment. Again, Punishment is an important part of any D/s relationship since it helps remind the submissive Who's in charge, but more importantly, the reasons why. It's very difficult to say what the punishment will be, but it will always be something the submissive will not like. For instance, sometimes Mistress might call me a "bad boy" and the reasons why. Only once have i actually been punished, the punishment i won't disclose here, since Mistress forbids my telling Y/you.
So having rambled on, have i answered the original question of: "what it means to me?" No. But then it's very difficult to qualify at times, since the experiences i have had won't necessarily be the same for another submissive, since their conduct to their Dominant(s) are likely to be completely different.
There has, over the years, been many different ideas about the role of the submissive and what they should and should not do toward their Owner. All of them are completely dependant on the relationship, however it should come as no surprise that:
One thing every submissive should know is that finding the right Dominant takes time, and these things cannot and should not be rushed at all. i am probably more of an idealist than anything else; believing so strongly in the ways of showing Respect that i become blinkered to how that Respect is shown, or indeed, not at all. Let me explain...
IRC (which is where a lot of interaction between P/people happens) is a textual protocol -- O/one cannot communicate unless O/one types words. That's fine, but the inherent ambiguity which that suffers from can lead O/one astray very quickly, especially where misinterpretation is bound to happen.
Thankfully though a convention can be used to show Respect through typing, and given this is the whole point of D/s, it should logically follow that it's adopted by A/all in the lifestyle, right? Well, alas, no... not at all.
Sadly, there are more than a few P/people who don't seem to want to use the notation; T/they do so either through sheer bloody laziness or because T/they feel T/they don't need to. Fine, but it's wrong since Respect is the cornerstone of D/s -- not to show it (the intent of showing it) is wholly wrong, yet on IRC i see Dominants in particular just eschew that.
Here's a Real Life example of that (i'm the submissive in question, but i've changed the name of the Dominant to avoid backlashes):
21:27 < The^Doctor> | hello to all
21:27 <% MD> | Welcome back The^Doctor
21:27 < tawny> | A/all, and welcome back.
21:28 <% The^Doctor> | how is every1 today???
21:28 * | MD Smiles at tawny
21:28 < tawny> | i am sure that *E/everyone* is fine. i am just cooking fish.
21:34 <% The^Doctor> | hi Rammit
21:34 <% MD> | The^Doctor have you noticed in the few tears you have been coming into here that W/we do ... A/all to include the Dom and the subs
21:34 <% Rammit> | hi there Doc!!
21:34 < tawny> | Of course He hasn't noticed.
21:35 <% The^Doctor> | nope sure haven't
21:35 <% The^Doctor> | is it important??
21:35 <% MD> | in a D/s channel Yes
21:36 < tawny> | Not really. :) Only the cornerstone of showing Respect.
21:36 <% The^Doctor> | ah i see
21:36 < tawny> | *I*.
21:36 <% The^Doctor> | repect is important
21:36 < tawny> | Here's how it works.
21:36 <% The^Doctor> | ok
21:36 < tawny> | personal pronouns for the Dominant: Capped. Personal pronouns for the submissive: not-capped.
21:37 <% The^Doctor> | ok
21:37 < tawny> | T/they, Tthey, T.they, all equivalent.
21:38 < tawny> | Although i suppose O/one has to appreciate the meaning to accept the intent, which will be hard for You at first, The^Doctor --
especially as You did not know what it means. Rather worrying.
21:38 <% The^Doctor> | i understand
21:39 < tawny> | You mean, "*I* understand"
21:39 < tawny> | Sir.
21:40 <% The^Doctor> | yes Sir
21:40 <% MD> | tawny is not a Sir
21:41 <% MD> | he is a sub and he just schooled You in something You should have known
Now, rather embarrassingly for The^Doctor, He should have known
immediately what i was talking about. Unfortunately though, i see this all
the time, a Dominant just not bothering to use the very communication methods
which a lot of O/others are used to. Very sad indeed; and it becomes
one-sided in the end. In my responses to Him, i was going to the effort
of showing respect only for it to go unnoticed, and worse still,
not reciprocated.
Is that so bad though? Well, yes it is. Whilst it's fine for the meaning to be observed, the means by which O/one achieves that is more the entire point of correct typing. Those Dominants worth Their salt will realise that and act accordingly. And it's often the sign of a Very Skilled Dominant indeed to use (i like to think enforce too) proper typing.
But with the New Guard, this isn't always to be; and like in most social circles there will always be cliques of P/people who congregate for like-mindedness, there will always P/people for whom, all this typing is seen as excessive. Whilst that might be OK to S/some, it isn't for me, and i would imagine that most P/people will quickly realise when/if T/they arrive on IRC, that T/they'll be in the minority.
But the situation gets worse; on some sites (such as the abominal collarme.com that i have seen) most of the so-called Dominants on there wouldn't know what Respect is if it slapped Them around the face. For Them, it's all about the acquiring of monetary gain through Tributes -- a lure which is a prerequisite (yes, that's right -- a prerequisite) to Them even talking to you. Umm, no, that's not what a Tribute is. A Tribute is something offered by the submissive to Their Dominant as a sign of affection; it is utterly pathetic to think this is how a relationship should even start -- if that's Their mentality to begin with, it shows They have neither the foresight, intent, or understanding to live up to what the word Dominant means within D/s.
In my opinion, there should not be a difference between the Old and the New; and whilst i appreciate that things evolve, i don't believe that laziness does; it's not even an excuse.
There is always a danger in reading this, that Y/you might think: "Oh, this is easy, I'll try it for myself to see what happens." Well, gentle reader, by all means do, but remember one thing: IRC is not Real Life. i sometimes hate IRC; it has allowed for a badly distorted view about how various things operate "in the flesh"; and given that BDSM is one such example, where it is a *real* thing, it would probably come as not surprise that S/some could go away with a distorted notion. So let me try and put that straight.
Y/you might come across any number of IRC channels, forum posts, blogs etc.,
all evangelising this, but unlike in some of those, where the Domme in
question is a 36DD, strikingly nice golden hair, etc., that rarely maps to the
human-being to human-being scenario. Mostly Y/you will both be interested in
E/eachother as a *person* and that means one thing, and one thing only:
being Y/yourself.
Make no mistake. A good Dominant is going to want to know what Their potential submissive is like; They can only do that when They get to know that person as themselves, and not as how They suppose They would like, or worse still, how the submissive wishes to be seen; living up to expectation is a very bad thing. submission is not something that can just be turned on and off, and neither is it the definition of nymphomania (or satyriasis if Y/you happen to be male) -- so if A/anyone (Dominants in particular) think that this is an easy way to lead some poor submissive up the proverbial garden path, think again. Most submissives just aren't going to drop everything and come running.
The cynic in me would probably say that IRC is a useless medium, for D/s it is, and it isn't -- depending on where Y/you go it can either be very useful or very useless. Far be it from me to say where that might be; but it's typically easy to tell providing Y/you do enough reading around the subject.
Of course, should O/one be lucky enough to chat to S/someone online, then meeting T/them has to be one of the first priorities - too many P/people have had their hearts broken through fake promises; and this step is really just plain old fashion common sense.
And let me tell Y/you something, having been in a Real Life D/s relationship, it beats anything Y/you'd experience online.
Most people in the vanilla lifestyle (that's "normal" couples who aren't into D/s or BDSM) find the concept strange to understand, at least in my experience. Some of them have wondered if it's nothing more than just "kinky sex" to which i say: "No, but that could be *one* small aspect of it". It's a shame, since BDSM has had a huge stigma attached to it, much like in the same way those people who are homosexual have had to endure; driven to the underground, resurfacing occasionally to be bold and declare themselves. i don't think society should operate this way at all; hence why i wrote this page.
More importantly though, D/s is a way of allowing O/one to expand T/their mind, providing T/they are willing. After that, anything's possible.
i'm submissive, and don't care who knows. -- me.
i could not have written this were it not for the help, understanding and support of S/some of my D/s friends. So Thank Y/you to the following P/people (in no particular order):
Mistress MD Bur